Ladies and Gentlemen... Toyzine is honoured
beyond measure to have acquired the services of the World's most
celebrated toy hunter. By Appointment 'Seeker of Playthings' to
Her Majesty's Government, principal consultant to the much esteemed
British Big Boy's Toy Museum in London, and without a doubt the
last of the Great Colonial Warriors, we are privileged to present
to you Sir Chase Adventure - Toy Hunter to the Stars and beyond...
Sir Chase's Toy Hunter Dating tips for toy collectors,
and all others' real world challenged`
At ease, troops!
Tip number 1:
Try to feign an interest in World affairs... this cannot fail to
impress your date. Of course, try to avoid statements like 'Wow,
George Bush sure is a powerful statesman... I wonder what he collects?'
Tip number 2:
Without fail, ALWAYS count to ten when your date says 'If this stuff
is worth so much, why dont you sell it?'...ONE-tootsietoy TWO-tootsietoy
Tip number 3:
Try not to let on to your prospective spouse that you`ve asked a
friend to watch your collection while you're out. But if you do
let it slip, DO NOT refer to them as 'the babysitter'.
Tip number 4:
Do NOT do your Charlie Weaver Bartender impression in the restaurant,
no matter HOW good it is!
Tip number 5:
Never refer to your collection as 'the kids' ...not even your bally
Tip number 6: Places NOT to go on a first date - Toys'R'Us
closeout sale; 'Toy Story' 1 & 2 double bill; the local yard sales...
all of these should be reserved until AT LEAST the second date,
Tip number 7: When the magic starts to happen, a well-placed
compliment can never fail you. Of course, praise like 'Gee honey,
you remind me of Barbie's best friend Midge!' may result in a quick
end to the evening's bliss.
Did you get a kick out of this article?
Make a Donation to the Writer...
Want to see more like it? Then please donate... Your generosity will help keep this writer's brain well-stocked with nutritious food-for-thought & may even incite a creative frenzy. So please donate now... thank you! - john graham (crattercritter)
ease, troops! I say, those bally Toyzine fellows surely wax on a
bit, eh what? A chap just tries to do his job, and they act like
he's the Prince of bloody Persia! Just a matter of the right place
at the right time, don't you know... but enough of all that for
now. I extend my warmest welcome to you all, and hope to enliven
your collected spirits with my cyber-japes and spritely-jaunts!
So, without further ado, on with the show!
The Adventure Adviser:
The Only Option in Steam-Driven Conundrum Computation
Don't delay! Write
today! Answers but a click away!
Try the Patented and Fully Automated Adventure Adviser!
designed and constructed by Sir Chase Adventure
it the simple identification of an action figure accessory, or heartfelt
advice for the playworn and lovelorn, you too can have your toy
dilemma solved by the Adventure Adviser.
others have said about the Mechanical Metaphysical Marvel:
the Adventure Adviser, our Space Program would be in a shambles...
not to mention my GI Joe collection." - B. Aldrin, test pilot
marriage may be over, but thanks to Sir Chase's invention, I have
found solace with a new toy." - T. Cruise, entertainer
only I'd asked the Adventure Adviser!" - J. Levitt, rag-and-bone
why wait? Click
here to submit your question to the World's Greatest Pneumatic Problem
Solver... The Adventure Adviser! >> click here to Contact Us
Our Latest Crises Averted:
Mechanical mammal fancier Tara writes:
Dear Sir Chase, Do you remember Petster the electronic
cat??? I think it came out in 1985 or 1986. If you can find one
or know where i can find one please let me know asap. I have been
looking for one forever!!!!! Thanks!!!
My dear Tara, as soon as I fed your feline facts into the eager
enquiring engine that is the 'Automated Adventure Adviser',
it began to produce a sensuous, soothing sound that can only be
described as... purring! All alliteration aside, I have my own fond
memories of Petster the Electronic Cat... I can still recall Christmas
morning, 1985... the glowing faces of Chase major and Chase minor
(the fruit of my bally loins), as they eagerly tore at their polka-dot
papered gifts, and found... a matching pair of Petsters! They had
actually asked Santa Adventure for a life-size, working Death Star
(little scallywags!), but after being coddled and cajoled by the
microprocessed purring of their very own electronic cats, all dreams
of Universal Conquest were forgotten.
As to your own acquisition
of a specimen of Axlon Corporation's voice-activated furry feline
Petster, my advice is to place a FREE
Toyzine Wanted Classified by clicking here and regularly scour
the massive archive of Ebay's online auctions. With a little bally
luck, you should expect to pay $25 to $35 for a mint boxed specimen.
Farewell until next time, troops! Sir Chase.
Canine coveter Melanie writes: Dear Sir Chase, I'm looking for a talking plush
dog that was sold in the late 70's and early 80's, I believe the
name was Hug-Me? It was a brown dog that talked when you squeezed
it's stomach. I haven't been able to find one anywhere, and I'm
not sure I have the correct name. Any help would be appreciated.
What-Ho, Melanie, the Patented Adventure Adviser computes that the
cuddly chum you seek from the Eighties is Snapper the Talking Dog,
and that 'Hug-Me' may well be the maker's name, eh what? Yet your
plush puppy poser is not my debut dalliance with this digital doggie
dilemma! Last year, it was my sworn duty to cure Charles Grodin,
the well-known thespian, of his acquired psychological phobia to
all things woof-woof... seems that after appearing in one too many
sequels to his celluloid-caper 'Beethoven', he'd quiver and drool
on sight of any, be it Saint Bernard or sausage dog! As ever, the
Adventure Adviser mechanically marched to the rescue. Upon presentation
with your plush pal Snapper, canine-coy Charlie was still quivering...
but this time with delight! All fears were forgotten, don't you
know, as Man and Dog re-established their eons-old equilibrium!
As to your own acquisition
of a specimen of the therapeutic Snapper, my advice is to place
a FREE Toyzine
Wanted Classified by clicking here. Also, regularly scouring
Toyzine's For Sale section, if you desire, also the massive archive
of Ebay's online auctions will never go astray. With a little bally
luck, you should expect to pay $15 to $25 for a mint boxed specimen.
Sir Chase Adventure
Plush toy palaeontologist Fran wrote: Please, please, if you know where I can purchase
the stuffed animals of the characters from Land Before Time I would
be so grateful. My daughter is pregnant and soon to give birth.
My two-year-old grandson eats, sleeps and dreams Land Before Time.
I would love to have them so when people bring gifts for the new
baby I can give him his favorite characters. Hope you understand.
'The Land Before Time' you say, eh Fran? A primeval wilderness,
beyond the imagination of humankind? Sounds to me like the Adventure
Mansion after last New Year's Eve! A few tin toys were over-wound
THAT night, let me tell you! But back to the crisis at hand... pardon
an old adventurer for wandering, eh what? After digesting your heart
felt request, a tiny, rusty tear formed in the corner of the Patented
Adventure Adviser's pale blue dial... the silly old blighter has
a bally weakness for toy-toting toddlers in trouble! To make your
grandson's day, we both suggest you visit the Land Before Time page
/~ jabrams/ landb4.htm#top at Collectors Connection.com, where
a few prehistoric plush poppets can be purchased. Otherwise, my
advice is to place a FREE
Toyzine Wanted Classified by clicking here. Also, regularly
scouring Toyzine's For Sale section will never go astray.
until next time, troops! Sir Chase.
Dear Sir Chase I have been looking locally for some original
metal jacks used when I was a child. The only jacks available in
stores today are plastic. Can you direct me as to where I can find
several packs of these? I would appreciate any help or direction
you may provide. I am 52 years of age and am looking to purchase
some for nieces.
for a history lesson, troops!
As strange as it may seem, this time-honored pastime began in the
heady, heady days of the 1700's, and yes, you've guessed it, my
bally family was mixed up in it! The creators of chaos in the cavernous
castle that was the Bavarian keep of Baron Klaus Uttenbencher (my
great-great-great grandfather, don't you know) were little Hans
and Fritz Uttenbencher (occasionally referred to in the literature
as 'Katzenjammer'). These tiny Teutonic terrors caused no end of
trouble for their father's manservant, the unfortunate Frenchman
Jacques Merde. On this particular day, they had covered the floor
of the main hallway with their entire collection of glass catseyes,
and were laying in wait for Monsieur Merde. Time passed... CRASH!
BOOM! KERTHUMP! And there lay their pater, Baron Klaus... jolly
bad luck for the Uttenbencher lads, eh what? Predictably, my ancestor
was angst-ridden. "HANS! FRITZ! VERE DITT ALL DIS CHUNK COMM
FROM???", he cried. "Dot's eesy, Papa!", beamed Hans.
"Dese are Jaques'!" Guess who had to pick them all up?
Well, the name stuck, and 'Jacques' entered into the vernacular.
Be that as it may, the Patented Adventure Adviser suggests to acquire
your own set, you place a FREE
Toyzine Wanted Classified by clicking here
Also, regularly scouring Toyzine's For Sale section will never go
astray. With a little bally luck, you should expect to pay $10 to
$15 for a nice vintage set.
next time, troops! Sir Chase.
Dear Sir Chase
I have a Charlie Weaver mechanical Bartender toy.
It is in the box. The box is in poor condition but the toy is in
great shape. It does work. Is it worth anything?
Chase advises: Dearest Joe!
I have been waiting with the patience of a clockwork Gandhi for
one of our dear readers to re-introduce the cyber-world to the Mystery
and Majesty that is Rosko's Charlie Weaver Bartender. So much life
and so little couth! I recall an early expedition (captained by
Yours Truly) into deepest, darkest Brooklyn, whereupon my good companions
and I encountered the rarely seen 'Weaver-Believer' tribe.
This fascinating group, the descendants of ancient
Irish publicans, firmly believed that Rosko's tinplate Bartenders
were the sacred receptacles for the souls of all departed soaks,
or, if you will, an abstract Alcoholic's Graveyard. The exact location
of this tribe was lost to us, along with numerous brain cells, after
we partook of the 'Night of 1000 Toasts' ritual... how we all awoke
in a Bronx holding cell the next day, I'll never bally know! Blessed
Mr Weaver is one of the most action-packed battery toys ever made
by those brilliant bloody Japanese in their 1960s heyday... and
this may explain why there are so bally MANY of him still scattered
around the world. Your toy, with its original war-wounded box, would
be valued at $100-150.
until next time, troops! Sir Chase
Sir Chase Adventure
- Toy Detective presents THE ADVENTURE ADVISER ALMANAC!
A Toy collector's treatise of TIPS to aid
your achievements... As a regular feature
supply you with the hard-nosed tips and hints supplied by some
of the galaxy's most experienced toy hunters. We hope that these
help in your quest for that elusive find. If you have any tips
and advice of your own, please email in >> click here to Contact Us
Adventure Tip #1:
Beware the bowerbird! What I mean troops, is specialise! You don't
have to buy every jolly old thing you see. Apart from being hard
on the family fortune, you will soon run out of display space, and
then the worst thing of all happens... the Brown Cardboard Box Syndrome!
I am not ashamed to admit that I was diagnosed with the syndrome
in my early, wilder days... Adventure Mansion was a psychotic maze
of haphazardly stacked packing cartons near the end, and who could
tell you what was in any of them... but that's now in the past.
This is my advice: if you collect diecast, dolls or Disney, grab
hold of a theme and don't let go! After much contemplation during
my recovery at the 'Fleischmann Institute for the Mechanically Insane,'
I decided to concentrate on pre-war German clockwork limousines,
forsaking all else... well, almost all else. Troops, it doesn't
hurt on occasion if that special 'just right' out-of-theme item
waggles its hips in front of you. There is always an exception to
Check that condition! I tell you troops, it was just magic that
time I stumbled across an old country toyshop with all its original
stock from the 1900's still on the shelves... and then I bally woke
up! Since we can only dream about a perfectly pristine mint collection
especially of older collectibles, we usually have to content ourselves
with the less than immaculate. While it's most desirable to have
perfectly mint items for some, the wait between capture of new specimens
can be jolly excruciating... if you're like me troops, you're happy
to settle for more world-weary specimens, so that your collection
has a bit more scope in the expansion department. Whatever you decide
on, remember that a collection of a few mint toys can be just as
impressive as a larger, more 'pre-loved' gathering. And if you are
only hunting for perfection, be prepared to be bally patient!
Tip #3: Can
wait, will wait! The tortoise always wins the race... unless that
rabbit can learn to slow down! Don't expect your entire collection
to form immediately before your eyes. If it were that easy troops,
why would any of us continue? The thrill of the hunt, the endless
research of dead end clues until we hit on that perfect scent, what
would our hobby be without this joyful chase (I'm not referring
to yours truly either.) By pacing your collection's growth, you
can appreciate it more as a whole, and indeed even each individual
piece. If all came at once, a jolly great deal of enjoyment of collecting
would be lost.
Tip #4: Troops who hesitate are lost! I love a
bargain as much as the next chap... it's always a pleasure when
that odd item you've looked for, like Stanley sought out Livingstone
in darkest Africa, shows up just for you at the right price but
be happy with that! Don't expect the owner to cut the price even
further, as it may be your undoing.
Chill out! Much as it behoves me to slip into modern dude hipster
talk for my final sage advice, there's wisdom in those two bally
words, troops. Above all, toy collecting should be jolly good fun,
so don't get too serious about your hobby. And I mean serious "Oh
no! Mr Toy-Boy has sold out of Fatman in the tuxedo outfit!" serious
"Oh no! There's a chip the size of an ant's bottom on the underside
of my pre-war dinky toy aircraft refueller!" and above all, serious
"Oh no! My investment consultant says that the tin bus I just bought
won't double in value over-night!" Just remember troops: you'll
probably get another 'Fatman' in the tuxedo outfit at the Toyz'R'Rust
just around the corner; you're bally lucky to own a pre-war refueller
in any condition; and above all, if you can't see the toys for the
dollar signs, you should jolly well sign off now. This is a fabulously
fun hobby... relax, unwind and get out there and enjoy it.
Tip #6: Hard Sell = Bad Smell! As
uncouth as that may sound, dear reader, it is the unbridled truth.
We've all seen this kind of ignominy before, eh what? Walking down
the diecast aisle in Toys'R'Rust, and the packaging screaming out
at you like a banshee from Satan's bally Stronghold: 'COLLECTOR'S
ITEM!' 'LIMITED EDITION!' '24KT GOLD PLATED!' These shameless Sirens
of Seduction are hard to resist... and don't the manufacturers know
it. Ever since the 'Toy Collector' (that's you and me, troops) was
discovered by the major players, the appearance of these accursed
phrases has grown like a well-fertilized weed! 'COLLECTOR'S ITEM!':
Guaranteed to collect dust, not value; '24KT GOLD PLATED!': Akin
to some Hollywood starlets I have known - bally attractive, but
no real substance; 'LIMITED EDITION!': Limited to as many as we
can sell. Be it diecast cars, plastic action figures or tinplate
wind-ups, there is one simple rule: If you like it, then buy it.
Otherwise, avoid 'Collector's Items' as a potential investment.
Don't fall for the hype, it's a load
of bally tripe!
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